Saturday, May 1, 2010

If Only ______, I would be happy.....

For me, that blank could be filled in with any number of words or phrases. Starting from way back in my teenage years. If only I could get out of this house, I would be happy. To, "once I get out of Parsippany, I will be happy", to "once I get out of basic training and get to my permanent station, life will be great". Years went by and my magic magnifying mind moved on, in typical fashion, to bigger and better "once I get married", "have more money", "be thinner", "invest smarter", "get my degree", "my own house", "buy a bigger house", "2 children", "another baby", "a puppy", "another puppy", "rental properties", "a beach house", "a tractor".... Get the picture? See my patterns? Funny, I didn't. It took losing it all and being reduced to 3 bedroom townhome from almost 9,000 suare feet home to wake up. It's interesting to me now to look back on where I had come from, where I'd been and realize - no matter what I achieved, no matter what I had, it was never enough. I had the disease of "more", that so many of us suffer from and so can relate. I never looked at myself as materialistic - I would never judge you on what you had, but it's the way I lived - judging myself and assignin value and my own success on what I had. For some reason, I felt that the more I had, the more "together" I was and I had "arrived". Arrived where? I wasn't together - that couldn't be further from the truth. The more I things I acquired, the more I craved and the further away from happiness and contentness I was getting. I was an addict - desperately trying to fill a void.

It took the greatest recession since the depression to change my perspective on life. I had to work harder for less; pick and choose which things to keep and which had to go. Through the process of downsizing our things and expenses, (very weapy-eyed at first, I must admit) I came to realize that my happiness had not really changed through any of it. What did it mean? The awakening that came over over me, me, who had been so chained to my ego, my insatiable ego, was stunning. There were so many areas of my life that I had not attended to, all in this pursuit of so-called "happiness". Who was I trying to keep up with? A wise close friend has since told me that the ego sets us up to seek and not find. That pretty much summed it up for me and gave new meaning to keeping up with the Jones'. To seek and not find- wow, what a concept. I have since decided that this "ego" of mine, is not going to win. I am not going to believe the lie. Today, I work hard at keep life simple. I see that life holds so much for me and thousands of oppotunities in a day to find joy and happiness in the small stuff. As much as we shouldn't sweat the small, the little things in life, sometimes absolutely warm my heart. They are easy to miss, yet there are thousands each day. The rest, if it's meant to be, it will be......I can't set limits and rules for being content and free....

Que Sera Sera....Think about it.

What are some of your "little - big" moments that set you free?

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